Boundaries, Expectations, & Rules: Are You Building Trust or Limitation in Your Partnership?
Supervised by Jennifer Buffalo, LPC-S. LMFT-
What’s the difference between a boundary and an expectation? What about rules? How do we talk about them with our partner(s) to better support, rather than control, our relationship?
Building trust with a partner – new or old – is an ongoing journey of conversation and connection. We so often hear about the importance of having clarity on things like boundaries, expectations, and rules in a partnership with the intention to honor yourself and the relationship you have with that person. However, despite best intentions, the process of creating boundaries and rules can add strain and limitation to the relationship – sometimes to its breaking point.
So, how do we do this the right way?
What does it look like to have healthy boundaries in a relationship? How do you identify and communicate your expectations, needs, and desires with someone in a way that is supportive of the connection rather than restrictive? How can boundaries and expectations be utilized to build trust in a relationship, rather than a response to fear or insecurity?
In this post, we will work out the meanings and use of the words boundaries, rules, and expectations in partnership, in hope that this can provide some clarity and understanding of how to best move forward with your future conversations with loved ones.
To Start: A Note on Language
I would like to begin this conversation by saying that language is messy. It is filled with nuance and range in the way people understand and use these words. We often use the same language and mean entirely different things, leading sometimes to misunderstanding or disconnection.
Hence this invitation to open conversation and collaboration about relationship terminology. I do not claim to have all the perfectly right answers here! Alright, let’s continue.
Boundaries: The Limits You Hold
When people talk about “setting boundaries,” they often imagine drawing a line in the sand and telling someone else what they can or cannot do.
This is a common misunderstanding – that boundaries are about controlling or asking another person’s behavior to change. But the truth is, boundaries are not rules we hand to our partners. Boundaries are lines we hold for ourselves.
Boundaries are the internal guardrails that help you feel safe, respected, and true to yourself. They define what you are and aren’t willing to experience in a relationship.
For instance:
- “I don’t share my passwords with anyone — that’s a personal boundary.”
- “I won’t stay in a conversation if yelling starts.”
Boundaries often require action and are self-directed. If someone yells, your job isn’t to make them stop — your job is to leave the room or remove yourself from the situation. The boundary exists for you to hold it and best care for yourself.
Expectations: Outward Focus
These are a little trickier. Alternative to boundaries, which are self-focused, expectations are preferences or standards one might hope for their partner or for their relationship. Once openly communicated, expectations can be shared as what they hope to see from the other individual(s) involved.
Sometimes they’re reasonable, sometimes not. What’s important is that they are being spoken about as they arise, and offered to each partner to discuss and collaborate – not as a means to control behavior or curb insecurity in the relationship.
Some examples might be:
- “I expect you’ll be on time for our dates.”
- “I have an expectation that all partners be tested for STIs before connecting sexually.”
Expressing expectations requires you to know what feels honoring and respectful to you in partnership. And for them to work, they need to be talked about prior. It is then up to you and your partner to decide case by case what meeting them (or not) looks like.
When expectations are held but not communicated, disappointment or resentment can follow. Naming them gives your partner the chance to agree, negotiate, or share their own.
What About Rules?
As mentioned, boundaries are not rules – although they are often used interchangeably.
Creating rules in a relationship can easily (but not always!) be a slippery slope into manipulation or controlling behavior. Often, they tend to turn our partners away rather than towards each other. For example, one partner might say:
- “You can’t talk to your ex.”
This rule might be put in place with the intention to better care for the relationship, but is restrictive in the way the other partner can live or behave. A reframed approach might be to open this concern as a collaborative conversation instead:
- “I feel uncomfortable with you being friends with your ex – could we have a chat about this and see if we can better understand each other here?”
Then, a personal boundary can be set, if it feels supportive to you:
- My boundary is that I don’t date people who are close with their exes. I will respectfully step away from the relationship if it feels to be a big enough issue for me.
Rules → Agreements
Rules can feel rigid or controlling – and in many cases, they are. It might assume ownership of the other person’s autonomy, which will erode trust over time.
That said, not all rules are harmful and can be reframed as collaborated-on agreements. Sometimes couples come to agreements that help the relationship feel safer and more predictable. For example:
- “We agree to be exclusive, and only have sex with each other.”
- Or, in non-monogamous partnerships: “We agree to disclose about new partners before being sexual with them.”
This brings us back to the concept of collaboration – agreements get to be conversations, where rules can be set in a way that supports the relationship, rather than controls.
Let’s Review!
In a nutshell, conversations with partners around how to best support themselves and one another get to be just that – conversations! When used with care in mind, communicating boundaries and expectations can build depth and trust that lasts.
A quick recap:
Rules
- Definition: Explicit “do’s” and “don’ts” that one person sets and enforces on the other
- Tone: Often rigid, one-sided, and about control
- Example: “You’re not allowed to talk to your ex.”
- Impact: Can feel restrictive, infantilizing, or like a power imbalance if not mutually agreed upon
Rules usually carry consequences (“If you break the rule, you’re wrong/bad/there’s punishment”).
Expectations
- Definition: Hopes or standards you hold about how the relationship should look or feel
- Tone: Often implicit or unspoken until conflict arises
- Example: “I expect you to know when I’m upset and comfort me.” (unhealthy, assumptive); or: “I expect to have children one day with my future partner” (neutral / positive, if proactively communicated)
- Impact: When unspoken, unmet expectations often lead to disappointment, resentment, or conflict
Expectations don’t necessarily have enforcement like rules—but they can silently shape how we judge our partner’s behavior.
Boundaries
- Definition: Limits you set for yourself to protect your well-being, values, or needs. Boundaries are about what you will do, not about controlling others.
- Tone: Self-responsible, clear, and protective, like a last-line of defense
- Example: “If you raise your voice at me, I will take a break from the conversation until we can speak calmly.”
- Impact: Creates safety, clarity, and mutual respect. Boundaries support connection because they reduce resentment and help each person show up authentically.
Boundaries are not about restricting your partner’s choices—they’re about communicating your own limits and following through on how you’ll care for yourself.
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Whether you’re navigating this with a partner or exploring your relationship boundaries and expectations on your own, therapy offers a space to better understand yourself, reconnect with your emotional needs, and learn how to move through conflict with more clarity, compassion, and care.
If this resonates with you, I’d be glad to support you. You can reach out to schedule a free consultation or learn more about my approach to relationship therapy. You don’t have to do this alone!
