Why We Fight: What Attachment Theory Can Teach Us About Conflict

By Rachel Rungdit, LPC-Associate Supervised by Jennifer Buffalo, LPC-S, LMFT-S

You’re caught in the cycle again. You love this person and somehow, still, you get stuck in the back and forth of conflict. There might be a lot of big feelings, but uncertainty on how to share them. You both leave the conversation feeling unheard, frustrated, or alone.

It’s exhausting. And confusing. You love each other, but you can’t seem to stop hurting each other. Why?

The Fight Is Rarely About What It’s About

In couples therapy, we often say: It’s not about the dishes. The content of the fight – the tone, the late text, the chores – is almost never the true issue. What’s underneath most recurring conflict is deeper: fear and pain of disconnection.

This is where attachment theory can be incredibly helpful. It gives us a framework for understanding why conflict can feel so threatening, why we react the way we do, and how we can begin to show up differently for each other.

I love the way Dr. Sue Johnson describes the ups and downs of a relationship as a “dance” – the predictable cycle you and a partner get pulled into when you’re hurting, longing for connection, or trying to protect yourself.

The idea isn’t that either of you are the problem, but the cycle you get caught in that results in disconnection. Viewing this cycle as a dance can help us step away from the shame or aggression that can come from trying to solve a problem or save a partnership, and instead offer curiosity and compassion. It allows us to see where the emotions in conflict might be coming from, and find connection in the midst of it. It reframes conflict as a collaborative expression, as teamwork.

Attachment Theory Explained: We’re Wired for Connection

Attachment theory has gotten a lot of airtime lately, especially on social media. And while I love that people are becoming more curious about their relational patterns, it’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing attachment styles as labels or life sentences.

Now, repeat after me: attachment isn’t a personality type. It isn’t who we are. It’s a way to describe our bodies’ responses to how safe we’ve felt in connection. It’s shaped by our early experiences and it can change in the presence of trust, care, and emotional safety. 

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded upon by researchers like Mary Ainsworth and later Dr. Sue Johnson, is rooted in the idea that we are biologically wired to seek emotional closeness with others—especially in times of stress or uncertainty. We are not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient all the time. As Sue Johnson puts it:

“Our need for others is our greatest strength.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson

In other words, wanting reassurance, comfort, or closeness isn’t a weakness; it’s human. And when we don’t feel secure in those connections, our nervous systems react. We fight, withdraw, cling, shut down. Not because we’re trying to hurt each other, but because we’re trying to protect ourselves from the pain of feeling alone or unsafe.

How Attachment Styles Show Up in Conflict

Most couples who come into therapy aren’t fighting because they don’t care—they’re fighting because they do. But somewhere along the way, they got stuck in a loop: a repeating pattern where both people are trying to get their needs met, but end up triggering each other instead.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we call this the cycle. It looks different in every relationship, but usually has a familiar rhythm. One person reaches out, sometimes in protest – "Why don’t you ever talk to me?” “You never show you care” – and the other person pulls away, feeling overwhelmed or like they can’t get it right. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. And round and round it goes.

Understanding your attachment style can be helpful—not as a label, but as a lens. Here’s a simplified look at how different styles often show up when relationships feel threatened:

• Anxious attachment: You might protest disconnection with intensity—reaching out, texting repeatedly, demanding clarity. Deep down, there’s a fear of abandonment and a longing to be reassured.
• Avoidant attachment: You may shut down or withdraw when things feel overwhelming. Your instinct is to self-regulate and avoid conflict, but it can leave your partner feeling alone.
• Disorganized attachment: You might swing between closeness and avoidance—wanting connection, then pushing it away. This often stems from early experiences of relational unpredictability or trauma.
• Secure attachment: You’re able to stay connected to yourself and others even when conflict arises. But no one is secure all the time—we all shift depending on the relationship, the moment, and our stress levels.

In conflict, we often default to these strategies without even realizing it. That’s why the goal in therapy isn’t to get rid of your attachment style, but to build more flexibility, self-awareness, and safety in the relationship.

What Healing Looks Like

When couples begin to understand the cycle (or dance) they’re caught in, and the attachment needs driving it, things start to shift. We move from blame to understanding. 

This process isn’t about perfection. It’s about creating enough safety to try something new. To share the fear behind the frustration. To stay present even when it’s hard. To say, “I miss you” instead of “You never show up for me.”

That’s the work I support couples, polycules, and individuals in doing. Together, we slow down, get curious, and gently explore the patterns that keep you stuck – not to assign fault, but to find your way back to connection.

What Therapy Can Offer

So, instead of seeing your style as a label, try seeing it as a story: a pattern that makes sense given what you’ve been through. Therapy can help you unpack that story and begin writing a new one.

If you keep finding yourselves in the same painful arguments, you're not failing. You're likely caught in a pattern that makes sense based on your histories and the ways you've learned to protect yourselves. And that pattern can shift.

Whether you’re navigating this with a partner or exploring your relational patterns on your own, therapy offers a space to better understand the cycle, reconnect with your emotional needs, and learn how to move through conflict with more clarity, compassion, and care.

If this resonates with you, I’d be glad to support you. You can reach out to schedule a free consultation or learn more about my approach to relationship therapy. You don’t have to do this alone.