How Masking Shapes Relationships: Finding Connection Without Losing Yourself

By Rachel Rungdit, LPC-Associate Supervised by Jennifer Buffalo, LPC-S. LMFT-S

If you’re a person with ADHD and/or Autism, I’d like to ask you:

How often do you feel like you have to shift, soften, or filter parts of yourself in order to stay connected?

This comes up quite a bit in my work with neurodivergent clients. 

Connection, while desired, doesn’t always feel natural or easy. It can feel like something that has to be managed, practiced, or contained. It may look like you’re connected to others – but inside, you may feel disconnected from yourself.

This is the phenomenon of masking.

Oh, masking. This is the (conscious or unconscious) practice of suppressing one’s natural neurodivergent traits, emotions, or behaviors to fit into a neurotypical world, often to avoid stigma, abuse, or to appear “normal”.

In many ways, this adaptation can be genuinely useful. It is a learned survival strategy. We live within social systems that carry narrow expectations for how people should communicate, behave, and relate. Adapting can feel necessary in order to belong.

What Masking Looks Like in Relationships

In relationships, masking can be a way of maintaining connection.

For ADHD and autistic folks, it can show up as…

• Over-explaining yourself to avoid misunderstanding
• Rehearsing conversations in your head before speaking
• Hiding stimming or fidgeting
• Mirroring the other person’s energy to blend in

These patterns can add up to a version of connection that feels more like performance than presence. It can also be incredibly exhausting.

The Complexity and Cost of Masking

In the book “Unmasking Autism”, Dr. Devon Price says:

“Though masking is incredibly taxing and causes us a lot of existential turmoil, it’s rewarded and facilitated by neurotypical people. Masking makes Autistic people easier to “deal” with. It renders us compliant and quiet. It also traps us. Once you’ve proven yourself capable of suffering in silence, neurotypical people tend to expect you’ll be able to do it forever, no matter the cost. Being a well-behaved [neurodivergent] person puts us in a real double bind and forces many of us to keep masking for far longer (and far more pervasively) than we want to.”

When connection requires you to edit yourself, the relationship may continue – but over time, you can start to lose touch with your own needs, feelings, and sense of self. 

And because masking is often learned early and reinforced in subtle ways over time, it can become so automatic. It’s not always clear where adaptation ends and authenticity begins.

Masking can lead to struggling with…

• Internalized shame (“Why is this so hard for me?”)
• Chronic relational anxiety or hypervigilance
• Emotional disconnection or numbness
• Burnout
• Resentment in relationships where needs go unspoken

Unmasking, & Finding Authentic Connection

The journey of unmasking can feel daunting. Masking likely offered a sense of safety in spaces where being yourself didn’t feel possible.

For many people I work with, the fear isn’t: How do I be myself?  It’s more like: What happens if I am, and people don’t like it?

That fear is often rooted in real experiences of being misunderstood, rejected, or made to feel like too much or not enough. So authenticity doesn’t just feel vulnerable; it can feel like risk.

There’s also a real possibility that as you begin to unmask and express yourself more authentically, some relationships may shift. Some people may feel confused, some may not have the capacity to meet you differently, some may even drift away.

Often, what fades isn’t true connection – but the version of connection that relies on you squishing yourself into a box of norms that do not fit you.

Unmasking gets to be an invitation to finding true connection with yourself. 

The closer you get to knowing yourself, the closer you are to finding people who can see you and appreciate you more freely and honestly.

Where to Begin the Unmasking Process

Again, unmasking cannot happen overnight. It’s not black and white. Allow yourself lots of space, and grace, as you gradually find the inner and outer safety to express more authentically.

Unmasking also can help increase self acceptance, reduce burnout, improve mental health, self discovery and more genuine joy. 

Here are a few places I’d encourage the journey of unmasking, in small doses, with some prompts you can reflect on or journal about:

Start with safer relationships.

I hear clients say they feel worlds lighter when they have their “safe person” around. Authenticity tends to grow in relationships with people who have shown they can respond with curiosity, care, and respect.

– Who has shown some capacity for curiosity, repair, or flexibility?

– Where are your “lower stakes” spaces?

– What do you tend to suppress when you’re most masked?

Allow yourself to reconnect with the feeling of passion.

Neurodivergent folks are often told to tone it down. Often, allowing yourself space to lean into things that excite you and bring joy can be very healing, and bring you back into yourself.

– What subjects could you read, talk about, or participate in forever?
– What do I most enjoy making, doing, or creating? 

Adjust your home to better support your needs.

This can be one of the easier (and sometimes even enjoyable) ways to start—experimenting with small changes that make everyday life feel smoother and more supportive.

– How does my environment make me feel? (lighting, sound, comfort)
– Can I see the items I use regularly, or are they hidden where I can forget them?
– Are there underutilized areas I could repurpose for a special interest?

Join neurodivergent-affirming communities.

For many neurodivergent people, connection is easier when there is shared understanding rather than expectation. Finding niche groups within your interests are a great place to start (hello, discord and hiking clubs!)

If you’re looking for a guaranteed safe place to begin:
I facilitate a free, monthly Neurodiversity Support Group! It’s a drop-in style space focused on identity, connection, and belonging through a neurodivergent lens.
Learn more and register here – I would love to meet you!

Final Thoughts from Dr. Price 

“Autistic people don’t actually lack communication skills, or a drive to connect. We aren’t doomed to forever feel lonely and broken. We can step out of the soul-crushing cycle of reaching for neurotypical acceptance and being rejected despite our best efforts. Instead, we can support and uplift one another, and create our own neurodiverse world where everyone—including neurotypicals—is welcome.”  — Dr. Devon Price, “Unmasking Autism”